Ferdinand, Nail Polish, and Anxiety

This past week has been terrifying.

After the school shooting in Parkland, Florida and the horrible murder of 17 children, I clung to my son a LOT fucking harder than I ever have before.

I am sure I wasn’t the only parent out there to do this, either. We are living in a scary world – not only politically, but just in our every day lives. I don’t think there has ever been a day in my life that anxiety hasn’t crept in and said “what if this happens”, and this has only worsened since I have another life to care for. Usually I am able to realize pretty quickly that I shouldn’t fear, but it was a helluva lot harder this weekend.

My son’s father and I share custody, so my son wasn’t with me when the Parkland shooting happened. It felt like the longest week of my life, to be honest. Once I finally had him back in my arms I vowed that I would make this past weekend a fun one.  After all, we never know how much time we have left.

I put my phone in another room. We saw a movie in theaters; Ferdinand, to be exact. I painted our nails. Fingernails AND toenails.

Come Tuesday morning, my son didn’t want to go to school. I honestly didn’t want him to either.

When we as parents rely on a government institution to keep our kids safe while we work, are we neglecting our kids?

This is what I thought to myself as I drove my kid to school. Despite the fact that our state hasn’t had a school shooting since 1997, I was scared. I was scared that something might happen. I was scared that my son wouldn’t know what to do.

I was scared that my son wasn’t safe.

In a society where public school education is the norm, we should be able to rely on its relative safeness for our children. But, when politics gets involved, this is not always the case.

Children in Baltimore are going without heat. Schools in many places receive less simply because of the socioeconomic background of the neighborhood. All public schools have a federal sign stating guns are not permitted on the premises. These are all the result of governmental interference.

I don’t know what public education would like in an non-violent anarchistic society, but I do believe it would be better. Without politicians who receive large amounts of money from campaigns ran by the NRA and other pro-gun lobbyists, it is bound to be better, right?

Please tell me I’m right.

I am NOT right in thinking that I am neglecting my child by taking him to public school. I am NOT right in thinking that something bad might happen there, even though it could. I am NOT right in thinking that something has to give.

Something has to be done so parents and kids don’t have to live in fear anymore. We all have to fight this. People with the money and power to sway government officials need to do something. They need to listen to our fears. They need to listen to the children that are protesting and speaking up.

We can’t give up.

Llama Llama, Single Mama

Why Cartoons Need More Single Moms

Llama Llama on Netflix.

A Family Favorite

My now six year-old son learned to read with the help of the late Anna Dewdney’s “Llama Llama” books. The rhyming text with occasional bold colored words helped him to memorize short sight-words. These books were the first he read on his own. But, it wasn’t until the Netflix series was released this year that I realized that Mama Llama is actually a Single Mama Llama.

An example of a sight-word in “Llama Llama Mad at Mama”.

Why Representation is Important

When my son began to read, his father and I had only being divorced for a year. He never questioned where Llama Llama’s daddy was, or why there was only Mama Llama. It was normal for him. It is not, however, normal in children’s cartoons.

Scouring my memory, I can only name a few cartoon shows in which a single parent is represented: Pearl’s dad, Eugene (Mr.) Krabbs, in Spongebob Squarepants, Pepper Ann’s mom, Lydia, from Pepper Ann (of course), and Chuckie’s father, Chas (who actually remarries) from Rugrats. You might notice that these are mostly single dads. (Several other cartoons that I thought had single moms, actually turned out to not have any represented at all upon further research.)

Chuckie and Chas from Rugrats.

Disney movies, on the other hand, seem to have cornered the market on single moms. Single moms can be seen in Toy Story, Bambi, Dumbo, Snow White, and Cinderella – just to name a few.

Probably not the best example of a single (step-)parent.

I find your lack of single moms disturbing.

So, why the lack of single moms in cartoon series? One probable cause is that the majority of cartoon show writers are men (the only one on my above list that isn’t written by a man is Pepper Ann). They might even be single dads themselves, which would make it easier to write single dad characters. We already know that media has an overall lack of females in leadership positions. (Click here for a list of 15 powerful women in TV.) While single moms make up almost 60% of working women, they are less likely to have college degrees or hold positions of power.

Another cause could be the all too common bias against single mothers, especially in more conservative arenas. In a recent Pew survey, “64 percent of those surveyed said that the increasing number of single mothers in the U.S. is a ‘big problem'”. As one would expect, young adults are less concerned about the trend than older Americans, with 78% of Republicans saying that the growing number of children born to single moms is concerning, compared to 51% of Democrats. *insert immature anarchistic eye roll here*

Despite these facts, Anna Dewdney was a single mother. She was divorced with two daughters, whose interest in farm animals owned by their local vet inspired the successful Llama Llama books. Jennifer Garner, who voices Mama Llama in the Netflix series, is also single mom of three. For single mothers, such as myself, it is extremely important to see ourselves represented in media because it helps us feel somewhat normal, and like we are not alone.

But it is also important for our children.

When children are exposed to media that contains characters similar to themselves, they show a rise in self-esteem. When there is a lack of this diversity, the opposite is true. (Click here to read a study.) This is fairly obvious to us parents, but sometimes scientific evidence helps. We generally want our children to grow up in a positive environment with good self-esteem. If they can see examples of children in situations similar to theirs in media, it will help encourage them.

Llama Llama and Mama Llama play pretend.

What I think is great about Mama Llama’s role as a single mom, is that the Netflix series (and the books) do not explain why she is a single mom. There is no drawn out story-line of Papa Llama’s death, nor any mentions that she is divorced. These types of stories are generally helpful more for adults or older children, not the preschool age that the series is targeted towards. While it may be important for children to see these represented in a family-centric show to help them deal with their feelings, not explaining the “why” behind Mama’s singleness reaches a wider audience of single moms and their children. Any single mother can relate to her, and any child from a single-mother home can relate to Llama Llama.

While Mama Llama does have some help from Gram and Grandpa Llama, she is typically depicted as calmly caring for Llama Llama by herself. She seemingly has a job as well as owns her own home. These depictions may not be the majority, is empowering for single moms to see this type of representation. Long gone are the frazzled, harried, overworked, single moms of TV-shows past. Mama Llama knows just how to handle Little Llama’s outbursts and hyperactivity common to many a preschooler.

The love that Llama Llama and his Mama have for one another is also especially sweet. They respond kindly to each other (for the most part) and seem to know just how to speak to get their points across. Mama Llama responds patiently when Little Llama has meltdowns, and Llama often shares hugs with Mama. Seeing the affection they have for each other makes me want to sit on the couch and cuddle with my son just for “just one more episode” even more.

Check the series out for yourself! Season 1 is now available on Netflix. (This post is not sponsored.)

“Anarchy and parenting don’t mix!”

Government and the home; they are supposed to be as separate as church and state, right?
Not necessarily.

When we think of “the sanctity of the home”, as many religious texts and political speeches like to call it, the government as a whole is usually kept far away as possible from what we wish to love and protect. However, many parents will attest to the statement that their political views affect their parenting somewhat, and some studies show that there is quite a disparity between parenting models of those who identify as either conservative or liberal. (This can be quite obvious at any PTA meeting or Little League sports game.)

This crossover of our own political views and our parenting habits oftentimes gets swept under the rug. We tend not to want to “expose” our children to politics, not even in the teenage years, for fear that it will strip their innocence from them. I would also argue, in more conservative locals, that no parents are more scrutinized or ostracized than those that have extreme political views, on either end of the spectrum. So, when I tell people of my anarchistic political leanings, they often recoil in disgust or are aghast with comments of “how do you expect to raise a child who will be a productive member of society?!”

But that is exactly the point.

Most people, when they think of anarchy, conjure mind-pictures of Anti-fa, violent protests, and Molotov cocktails being hurled at government buildings.

I do not have the time nor energy to point to the true beginnings and ideals behind anarchism, so I will leave links at the end of this post. The main definition of anarchy (on which many political analysts disagree),  is that anarchy is the absence of government. It is the trust that humans are innately good creatures (as opposed to innately evil) and that, in the absence of government, they will form their own groups and societies that best fit their needs. (Many will argue that anarchy equals disorder and chaos, but one must analyze why one feels that an established government is the only way for there to be order in a society. Perhaps I will touch on that in another post.)

So how does this connect to parenting? Isn’t anarchy just a recipe for disaster? Won’t your child(ren) just descend into lawlessness and disobedience?

Firstly, we must asses what our main goal as a parent is. Is it to mold an independent, free-thinking, successful member of society? To raise a kind human who thinks of others as well as themselves? To instill a moral compass in them to guide them through their adult years? Or is it to raise a small army of obedient, same-thinking, non-bothersome drones?

If your wish is any of the first three, then I propose anarchism is not a bad world view for parenting. (If you wish to purposely teach your children how to overthrow a government, that meeting is on another day. And yes, there will be refreshments and free child care.)

How Anarchism Has Helped Me Parent

Of course our political views are not an end-all, be-all for our parenting styles. We also mix our morals, values, and our own personality history into our lives. But there are a few key ways that anarchism has helped me better my parenting style.

1. 1. Teaching independence:  One of the key tenants of anarchism is a dependence on self instead of on the government. To foster a sense of independence for your child, you must be willing to give up your own power temporarily, to let them learn how to care for themselves.
   2. Letting “the universe” handle more discipline:  Anarchism is not an “every man for himself” philosophy, but rather a realization that in the absence of forced obedience, people will be more responsible for their actions. I know, you’re probably thinking, “But without the threat of jail, people won’t behave!” (There are opinions that argue that prisons don’t actually deter criminals, but I’m not actually talking about illegal activity here.) If we teach our children the natural consequences of their actions, (throwing a toy results in a broken toy, for example), they will grow to learn that “every action has an equal and opposite reaction”. Teaching them the reason’s why these opposite reactions happen is just as important.
   3. Modeling strength through change:  Anarchy is connected to chaos because most people are used to an established government. They like the feeling of order. It brings them comfort and peace.
      As we become parents, we almost want to become these nearly-perfect examples of what an adult should be, thinking our children will have peace in doing so. Most of the time, what they actually learn is that adults are stressed. But, by being more open with your child when you make mistakes and showing them how you grow afterwards, they will learn that mistakes are a natural part of life and no one person is more perfect than another. Chaos can be a catalyst for great change, and if we show our own metamorphosis to our children, they will be more open when it inevitably happens to them (probably at 2 a.m. when their own baby is screaming for no apparent reason).

I think we all hope, deep down, that our children will grow to be kind, giving, independent adults. Why would we teach them to depend on a government, let alone a government that (at times) wishes to control, demean, and otherwise strip them of their individuality? If we hope for a world that is full of adults who know how to take care of themselves, and can also  manage to care for other people, anarchy may not be the worst way to go.

Additional resources:

• Kat Blaque “What is Anarchy?”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQf0wJKVykI
• Various anarchy quotes (a good way to find authors who write on this subject): https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/anarchy
• A good look at an anarchistic society of the past: https://timeline.com/anarchy-united-them-but-nudity-tore-them-apart-46934d61923f